In grappling with this immense universe, in approaching the infinity of God, in evaluating the wrinkles of this reality, I have hatched many a hair-brained theory as to why this or that is the way it is. Ideas, both profound and ridiculous have flowed from my mind and mouth, and my husband has casually shouldered every single thought. He has never met my musings with judgement, or push-back, or aggressive proving-otherwise. He listens. And then he plays with the idea and discusses it, but he never pounces on me for being a fool, for being a weirdo, for having too great an imagination. He is never threatened; he doesn’t shut me down.
This is probably one of the things I love about him the most. He is willing to play with the grand cosmic puzzle and enjoy the process along with me, without stuffing doctrine, or law, or “common sense”, or “because, that’s the way it is”, or “that’s not my experience” down my throat.
As often happens on my birthday, I was reflecting about my life yesterday, and noting this strange tension I feel between desiring to all out disappear and hide out with my little tribe living a joy-full, obscure life, versus shouting out my thoughts and ideas to see if there is anyone else out there who wants to travel the questions with me.
I realize how insecure I feel to communicate about things below the surface. Looking at my life thus far, I wish I was braver, but there’s no sense on focusing on who I have been, only on who I’m becoming. So, braver it shall be! Though I think there are great gifts found in living quietly and off-the-beaten-path, I don’t believe that muting our voices out of fear is God’s desire. Ah, so once again, I must embrace tension and courage if I am to live alive.
The *magic* that has grown between Ben and I as we have explored the sublime to the gritty to the nutty, is indescribable. It is as if new worlds are opening up to us as we stare deeply down into our darkest questions and deepest wonderings. It’s as if these musings have telescoped us into a deeper reality of goodness and richness, that we never tasted when we lived on the surface of things.
This reality only shouts at us in a million ways to “look beyond”. All is not what it seems… there is so much more.